Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
