We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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