Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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