I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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