I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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