a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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