Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
