tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
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i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.