Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
40s are totally the cure
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
