I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
