i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
