apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
