Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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