Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
