im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
