I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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