Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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