I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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