im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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