The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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