Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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