I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
