Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
