I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
