the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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