I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
