Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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