Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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