He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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