The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
