it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
