The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
