Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
