Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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