i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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