Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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