Plan B is the new Plan A
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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