I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
