are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
