does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
