I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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