Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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