we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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