everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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