If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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