I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
