So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
