i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
