I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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