Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Is it because I queefed?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
