where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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