Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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