saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
