Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
