i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
