He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
