even my farts smell like vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
