good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize