you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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