I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
being pregnant is like rehab
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
